💞 Relationships
The 5 conflict styles explained: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding and accommodating, with examples and tips for handling conflict better.
By TestMyPsyche Editorial TeamPublished 7 min read
Every relationship has disagreements: who does the dishes, where to go on vacation, which idea the team should pick. What makes the difference isn't whether you disagree, but how. Psychologists describe five common conflict styles: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding and accommodating. Each one has strengths, and each one can cause trouble when it's the only tool you use. This guide explains the five conflict styles with everyday examples, shows when each one works best, and shares practical ways to handle disagreements more calmly at home and at work.
Conflict styles are the typical ways people respond to disagreements. They describe how you balance two concerns: getting what you want (assertiveness) and keeping the other person happy and the relationship strong (cooperation). Different mixes of these two concerns create five styles.
This idea is often called the dual concern model. It grew out of the work of management researchers Robert Blake and Jane Mouton in the 1960s and was developed into five conflict-handling modes by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970s. Their model is still one of the most widely used in workplaces, schools and counseling.
Two important points before we start:
| Style | Assertiveness | Cooperation | Classic animal | Best used when | Risk if overused |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Competing | High | Low | 🦈 Shark | Quick decisions, emergencies, defending what's right | Others feel steamrolled |
| Collaborating | High | High | 🦉 Owl | Important issues where both sides' needs matter | Slow, tiring for small issues |
| Compromising | Medium | Medium | 🦊 Fox | Time pressure, fairly equal goals | Both sides only half satisfied |
| Avoiding | Low | Low | 🐢 Turtle | Trivial issues, tempers too high | Problems grow when ignored |
| Accommodating | Low | High | 🧸 Teddy bear | The issue matters more to the other person | Your needs go unmet |
A popular way to teach the styles uses the five animals in the table. They're a simple way to remember each one.
Competing means standing firm for your own view or goal. It's high in assertiveness and low in cooperation: you aim to win the disagreement.
Example: at work, you insist that a risky product launch be delayed because you know the safety tests aren't finished.
When it works: in emergencies, when a quick decision is needed, when you're defending something important (like safety or fairness) or when someone is trying to take advantage of you.
When it backfires: when used for every disagreement, competing can damage trust. People may stop sharing ideas or feel they're never heard.
Collaborating means working together to find a solution that fully meets both people's needs. It's high in both assertiveness and cooperation.
Example: you and your partner disagree about where to spend the holidays. Instead of picking one family, you talk about what each of you really wants (time with family, rest, tradition) and create a plan that gives you both what matters most.
When it works: for important issues, long-term relationships and problems where both sides' concerns are too important to give up.
When it backfires: collaboration takes time and energy. Not every disagreement about what to have for dinner needs a deep discussion.
Compromising means meeting in the middle, with each side giving something up. It sits halfway between assertiveness and cooperation.
Example: you want to watch a movie and your friend wants to go out, so you agree to watch a movie this week and go out next week.
When it works: under time pressure, when both sides have equally strong positions, or when a fair, quick solution is better than a perfect slow one.
When it backfires: splitting the difference can stop people from looking for a better solution. Both sides may end up only half happy.
Avoiding means stepping back from the disagreement by postponing it, changing the subject or letting it pass. It's low in both assertiveness and cooperation.
Example: a coworker makes an annoying comment in a meeting, and you decide it isn't worth raising.
When it works: when the issue is trivial, when emotions are too high to talk productively, or when you need time to calm down and think.
When it backfires: important problems rarely disappear on their own. Avoided issues often return bigger, and unspoken frustration can quietly damage relationships. Avoiding conflict is especially common in people with an avoidant attachment style, as our guide to the signs of avoidant attachment explains.
Accommodating means giving the other person what they want to keep the peace. It's low in assertiveness and high in cooperation.
Example: your friend really wants to choose the restaurant, so you happily go along, even though it wasn't your first choice.
When it works: when the issue matters much more to the other person, when you realize you were wrong, or when keeping goodwill is more important than this particular decision.
When it backfires: always giving in can leave your own needs unmet and build resentment over time. Others may start to take your kindness for granted.
There isn't one. Researchers and trainers generally agree that the most effective people are flexible: they can use each style when it fits. A few rules of thumb:
The problems usually start when someone relies on one style for everything.
In close relationships, how you argue matters as much as what you argue about. Relationship researcher John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades, found that many arguments between partners are about ongoing differences that never fully go away, such as different needs for tidiness or social time. Happy couples don't avoid these disagreements. They learn to discuss them with respect and humor.
Gottman also identified four communication habits that predict relationship trouble, which he called the "four horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (shutting down and refusing to engage). Stonewalling is an extreme form of avoiding, while criticism and contempt often come with a harsh competing style. How you phrase things matters as much as the style you choose, as our guide to the 4 communication styles explains.
Some patterns are especially common:
At work, conflict styles shape meetings, projects and team culture. Managers who always compete can silence good ideas; teams that always avoid conflict may make poor decisions because nobody voices concerns. Healthy teams treat disagreement about ideas as normal and useful, while keeping it respectful and focused on the problem rather than the person.
Emotional intelligence plays a big part here. Noticing your own reactions, staying calm under pressure and reading other people's feelings make it much easier to choose the right style. Our guide to the signs of high emotional intelligence covers these skills in more detail.
Most people have one or two go-to styles they use without thinking. Knowing yours helps you spot when it's helping and when it's getting in the way. Our free conflict style test has 25 statements, takes about 5 minutes, and shows a score from 0 to 100 for each of the five styles, along with practical tips for your main style.
Please note: our tests and articles are for self-reflection and education. They are not a medical, psychological or professional diagnosis. If you're struggling, please talk to a qualified professional.
Competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding and accommodating. They describe different balances between standing up for your own goals and caring about the other person and the relationship.
No single style is always best. Collaborating often works well for important issues, compromising under time pressure, and avoiding when tempers are high. Effective people switch styles to fit the situation.
Compromising means each side gives up something to meet in the middle. Collaborating means working together to find a solution that fully meets both sides' needs, which usually takes more time.
Not always. Avoiding small issues or taking a break when emotions run high can be wise. But important problems that are always avoided tend to grow and can damage relationships over time.
Yes. Conflict styles are habits, not fixed traits. With practice, such as pausing before reacting, listening first and naming your needs, you can learn to use the style that fits each situation.
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